Good Morning my fellow crimefighters! Welcome to another Vlog of Batman Fighting Crime!
As you guys know Gotham City has never been safer! The Joker is gone, two face is gone, Scarecrow and many others are stuck in prison. This week the city has been so safe that I had absolutely nothing to do!
So instead, I wanted to highlight one of my other skills; cooking! That’s right boys and girls, when I have spare time I love to cook! And I don’t just cook. I always try to make the very best with the finest ingredients! Because that is what superheroes do!
For today I will make the best ice cream you will ever witness! Together with my loyal Butler Alfred and my assistant Robin! At least the current one! Wearing his sexy signature pants! We wanted to include Cat Woman as well, but she got temporarily impaired when she was helping us to fetch the ingredients.
Oh yeah, Since Alfred is on a diet, you have a chance to win our leftovers, and witness yourself how amazing this ice-cream is!
It was no easy feat to obtain all the necessary ingredients for this ice cream though...We had to milk the elusive Billebeest in the savannas of Africa to get their delicious milk, travel to the mysterious Amazon Forest to retrieve the forbidden fruits of the Pooka Pooka tribe and, worst of all, endure the UK Beach to catch Penis Fish, who will add a nice salty touch to the flavour!
For the first ingredient, the Milk, I flew to the scorching savannas of Wakanda with my good friend Nightwing, one of my many ex-Robins! Getting a visa to enter Wakanda was easy enough, I just had to ask my other good friend Black Panther. But milking the Billebeest was a bit harder … The problem is that it is technically a very rare and protected kind of animal, and you are not really allowed to milk it. So we had to be sneaky, and circumvent the Park Guards protecting the animals. It turned out those guards were better trained than expected, and are armed with heavy machine guns. All this to protect a fancy cow, while their people ... yes yes Alfred, no politics. I promised.
Anyway, so we kind of got caught by the guards while trying to be all sneaky, and had to fight them down and steal their helicopter. But we never used lethal force of course! Otherwise we would not be réal superheroes! Nightwing got shot in the leg during that fight, since those so called guards preferred to use their firearms like a bunch of thugs instead of fighting as true gentlemen! He was losing quite some blood, but he’ll be all right! Here is a picture of him revalidating with his physiotherapist!
In the end the helicopter proved to be quite handy! It was easy to spot a herd of Billebeests with it, and it conveniently had some sedative guns stocked in the back. So we just had to shoot down one of their Cows and milk it! Easy! Well, milking was fucking hard actually, luckily Nightwing used to live on a farm! The Billebeest looked really amazing, big and fierce and strong, so I was considering to bring one with us, but it was hard to fit in the helicopter. And Alfred would probably have disapproved!
To make up for all the damage we caused while retrieving this critical ingredient, we donated 100 bucks for the Billebeest Foundation! That’s like the yearly wage for one of those guards!
Next I went to the Amazon Forest with my old sidekick Catwoman! We decided to go with my private jet, so we could have a small reunion party on the way there. Once we landed on the small and very badly made landing strip it was another story …. it was really fucking sweaty hot there. Not ideal at all for my batman outfit! Catwoman was fine, with all her bare flesh, the slu- Eh so yeah, it was quite annoying and I still have some skin rash from all the sweating. At least the mosquitos could not bite me, you had to see Catwoman, almost literally taking a daily bath in Deet to not be eaten hehe.
Anyway, so we were walking in the jungle with our guide for like a fucking week, trying to find the Pooka Pooka tribe. But then we got lucky! Apparently Catwoman looked like one of their gods, so they escorted us to their tribe with a lot of fanfare. First part of the mission was complete! Now we just had to retrieve some of their forbidden fruits!
I didn’t get quite why it is a forbidden fruit, since it is supposed to be delicious! It has something to do with its rarity and the superstition of those primitives. We made up a plan where Catwoman would continue to pretend she was one of their gods paying a visit to the tribe, and in the meanwhile I would steal enough of the fruits for our ice cream! So I used my amazing sneak skills to get into the temple and steal all the fruits I could find... And I got caught again! What is with these tribal people and their amazing anti-sneak skills! They were heavily armed with clubs and spears and I was alone, so sadly I had to use brute force to fight myself out and might have crippled a few of them. But I don’t think I killed anyone during that fight!
In the meanwhile, it turned out Catwoman was on the point of being molested by the whole tribe and then she would be ritually sacrificed! Apparently she looked like some fertility goddess of them, and her blood would make all their women pregnant or something. Since this was a unique ritual to witness, I was taking some pictures and looking what would happen before intervening. But then Catwoman fucked up my footage by freeing herself and killing half of the tribe … she can be so violent sometimes.
So we had to fight our way through the other half as well, since they were quite pissed off thanks to Catwoman, and then another fucking 2 weeks through the rain forest, because our guide had ran off. When we were back home Catwoman fell when she was getting out of my plane, and broke her leg. Because she was drunk and high on crack – What Alfred, it’s the truth! She's basically a crack hook- yeah yeah ok. But so that’s why she sadly couldn’t be here today, however she sent us a nice clip that I will show later!
For the last ingredient we had to go to the UK beach … I tried to do it, I really did, but I just really fucking hate the beach and the British people on it! All the fucking sand that gets in my suit, everyone wanting to have a picture or an autograph, talking with their ridiculous accents... I made it to Brighton, but in the end, I sent Robin and Alfred to dig up the penis fish from the beach while I was checking out some shops. They managed to find some really fat and juicy ones so that’s promising! And I bought a beautiful set of underwear from Tighty Pants! You should definitely check out their website and buy it! You can see more of me and Robin wearing this set on our only-fans page!
So now let’s make this ice cream! Lalalaaa cook cook cook, oh yeah shake that milk Robin shake it! Then some forbidden fruit and finally some squished penis fish! And all of it in the freezer
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Ok guys time to test our ice cream! Hmm I can’t wait … There I go, one big spoon of ice! … hmm … it tastes a bit like … BLEEEGGHH THIS IS THE MOST DISGUSTING THING I EVER ATE! UGH! ROBIN YOU PUKED ON MY FACE! BLAAARGH BLEEERGH BLOOORRG!
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Ok, so, ehm , I guess this cooking vlogs need some more work guys. I hope instead I will find some more crime to fight next time! See all of you! And stay vigilant to keep this city safe! I love you guys! I really do!
PS; don’t forget to subscribe and donate on my Patreon so I can keep fighting crime with STYLE!
You should also subscribe to the channels of my friends, @CatwomanOnCrack and @Nightwing!
And before I forget, our lucky winner of the leftover ice cream is Kayleigh from Portland! Congratulations! Enjoy!
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